It is quite impossible to hold on to all the pieces of this skewed 3-D jigsaw puzzle with flying color chips each a prismatic reflection of the chaos and cacophony that is Washington and the country and the world. It is a game, all a game. The nanosecond you grasp one piece in your quivering hand, your quavering mind, thinking you see a pattern, a space to fit it in, a toddler rushes into the table, pieces jostled out of place once more. I don’t care for games, Yes, crosswords. Yes, puzzles. But this is every game ever played-- musical chairs, marching to the beat until the music stops and you are the one left standing discomforted and alone. The one with red balls flying at your face thrown by someone you thought you trusted. The one with the tiny figures that move around a board hoarding money and real estate and a jail that never holds anyone but you for an extended time. The etch-o-sketch that creates and then destroys. There are no rules. There is no finale. The band plays on and on-- a calliope one moment, a dirge the next. I wake with fists clenched across my chest, gasping for air. The game never ends. There is no death. An inspiration catches in my throat; a different reality might be endearing. When the game moves on to the next level, The next hopscotch square, we turn our heads and wonder how we got here, and all we can do now is watch and watch and watch. I finally dealt the same fate to the Monopoly game as I did to the Ouija board left sealed in my closet. These remind me of the weird symmetry of not games but warnings of visceral abuse. When I was a child I had a recurring nightmare, or was it a waking vision, of the end of the Earth, destruction everywhere. Coffins spinning out of graves jettisoned with their depleted contents out into the vastness of space, going back from whence we came. The vision was always terrifying-- small child, end of the planet she was tucked in on. I think of the terror, the confusion-- I had never seen a coffin, I had never seen a death, I had never seen a corpse, but there these exploded from or into my brain. Lately, I think these were visions repeated so I would not forget, not forget, not forget. The new cycle begins again with the closing gyre of the last one, the last shudder of an experiment that once again failed. How many times have we been here in this moment? We forget We forget We forget
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September 2024
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